It’s really been that long. The first symptoms. Fighting to hide it, feeling embarrassed. Not knowing what was wrong with me. Why me? What did I do? Did I pick this up somewhere? Am I not clean enough? All thoughts I’m sure any young person experiencing HS for the first time would think.
3 years into a relationship and I still can’t take my shirt off around my boyfriend. I’m afraid to be intimate in direct light. He knows now. Only took me 2 1/2 years to talk to him about it. I was just learning what it was at that time myself. Page after page I scrolled online to try and self-diagnose because I was too nervous to see a doctor about it.
8 years it’s been, with these painful bumps and holes.
Every day is more suffering. No money and no health insurance to try and get even some relief. I had my first pain free 2 weeks in 8 years. And I was on top of the world. I didn’t know it would flare up again so quickly. It broke me. I am so tired of living in pain.
Tired of ruining clothes that I can’t afford to replace. Tired of the depression and insecurities it brings. Does it ever stop? It just feels like it will stretch on forever. I try to push through it and do what I can. The fake smile and enthusiasm to try and act as if I’m normal. As if I’m okay. But I’m not. Most days the pain is unreal. You get used to it after a while. It just becomes a way of life, being in constant pain. Getting a brief break, that’s when it gets hard again because the pain comes back feeling so much more intense than it did before.
8 years of pain, and still counting.